Forget Four Loko

At this point, you probably know about Four Loko, the wallopingly potent malt liquor/energy drink hybrid. This wicked concoction, along with Jersey Shore, Teabaggers and hedge funds, will be the cause of America’s inevitable downfall. How is a country supposed to function when its populace is drunk, insane, and suffering from debilitating stomach problems? Remember that scene in 28 Days Later where there’s a big pile of apparently dead people, and then the one rage zombie pops up and gives you a heart attack? That’s what people drinking Four Loko are like.

This is what you look like when you drink Four Loko. Photo by Yumna Al-Arashi

The drink launched in 2006, but reached its peak popularity this summer. It comes in a 24-ounce can, is 12 percent alcohol by volume and contains caffeine, taurine, guarana and, allegedly, wormwood, the active ingredient in absinthe, though this may be an urban legend. It makes Sparks, whose makers were forced by the government to remove caffeine from its formula because it was too dangerous, seem like Orangina. The top-rated entry on Urban Dictionary describes Four Loko as “legalized cocaine in a can,” which is about as accurate a description possible. It’s probably only legal now because of its low profile, which will probably change once the bodies start piling up.

I know you’ve been drinking Four Loko all summer and it was all fun and games and bro-times, but now is the time to stop. Please, stop. There is no way to be a human being with responsibilities and dignity and drink Four Loko at the same time. I’m not saying this as your father. I’m saying it as your friend. It’s not fun to drink Four Loko, unless your idea of fun is becoming progressively more hateful until you collapse on the floor in a pool of someone else’s fluorescent pink vomit.

Personally, I’ve never had anything worse happen to me while drinking Four Loko than out-of-nowhere blackouts and generally being really annoying, but others are not so lucky. I’ve heard of injuries, ulcers and unwanted pregnancies (taurine causes extra-virility, and desperation causes extra-fertility) attributed exclusively to this carbonated goblin piss. The other day, I watched a guy make poorly thought out fantasy football picks while drunk on Four Loko. Why even bother playing fantasy football? These things are not cool. I may sound like I’m joking, but I’m not. You don’t want America to end, do you?