MTA Breakup Letter

Suzy Kopf

Dear MTA,

I know this might come as a surprise, but I’ve decided that it’d be best if we took a break. Frankly, this separation is long overdue, mainly because everything about you — from your continual lateness to your complete lack of hygiene — rubs me the wrong way. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse between us, you proceeded to raise your fares.

This is incredibly selfish behavior on your part. Why should I, poor college student that I am, have to pay more for service you’ve cut back on? Yes, I understand that the recession has hit everyone hard, but it doesn’t make sense to ask for more when you’re putting out less. Remember last June, when you decided to discontinue dozens of bus lines and clean yourself less often? Or when you told me that each time I ride the 7 train, 18 more riders will have to cram in with me because you got rid of other subway lines? You continually choose to test my limits each time you pull these stunts!

That said, I might have even considered going along with your sporadic, hiked-up fares if only they were justified. But they’re not. There was that time someone pulled an emergency break on the train behind me and you made every train on the track stop, knowing all too well that your charade would make me miss my midterm. It was hard to comprehend your twisted logic, but you never cared much about my education anyhow.

And what about that time I had to sit in front of a man who was, shall I say, indecently exposing himself to me for 45 minutes? Since there’s no security on the subway, I was too terrified to do anything until it was all over. When I’m in a relationship I expect to feel protected and safe, and incidents like these make it impossible for me to trust you when I need to get home at three in the morning.

Something else you should realize is that if you’re going to keep a girlfriend, you’ll need to work on your appearance. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: stop letting people pee all over you. It really puts people in a bad mood, especially if said pee makes its way over to their pricey leather boots. Lastly, though I think this goes without saying, it’s time you did something about those rats.

So you see, my dear MTA, although we have had some good times together in the past, I just can’t go on like this with you. Unless you change your ways, please don’t be jealous of my new lover: a bicycle.

Sincerely,

Abike Ryder